I am a Christian and have been in 12 step recovery, have a sponser and accountability partner. The probelm is that I am lieing to them and am too ashamed and embarrassed to admit that I have had a relapse. I have been masturbating, using porn and even let someone finger me. I tried to tell myself it is once and I don't need to share....however, I am getting stuck in darkness. I am scared of rejection.

I have an obese friend named J..... I must admit that I take pleasure in his sorrow and misfortunes. I wish horrible things on him, and have turned a great deal of people against him. I do this because of my pride. I view him as one of the dumbest people I know, and thus, he is below me. He has lied to me in the past, and doesn't believe me even when I am obviously right about something. This infuriates me. I have never caused him physical pain, but I have sabotaged relationships and job applications of his in the past. I believe that if I cannot be happy, he should also be depressed. And I do most things in my power to ensure this. To clarify, I do not think what I am doing is entirely wrong. J.... is not a special needs person. He is a ragey troll, user and liar. He sculpted my image of him by doing so much wrong to me and my friends in the past. I just use our newfound friendship as an excuse to tease him, and appease myself. When he feels worse than I do, I feel better.

About 2 years ago I had a big falling-out with one of my friends, at the time I heard that she had been self-harming because of our argument, I laughed it off and said she was being pathetic and that it was just attention seeking. Nowadays she often doesn't come into college but everyone says shes just skiving. But a few days ago I heard her best friend talking about her, I found out the the days off were not skiving, she actually has severe depression to the point where some days she cannot get out of bed. It was said that this started about 2 years ago, around when we had just fallen out. This means that this depression is entirely my fault, I feel so guilty, I have ruined her life over an argument which I cannot even really remember. To be honest before the other day I had never really given her a second thought, it seems wrong for me to be happy while shes not.

I told my best friends boyfriend all my issues. I told him all about how I have EDNOS, and anxiety and panic attacks. He seemed concerned for a second. One second, and now I don't think he cares. He promised me he wouldn't tell, but what if he tells? I made a huge mistake. I shouldn't have told him. I'm scared. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm falling apart, and no one even notices or cares.

I am a slut. I don't even enjoy sex very much, I just don't know how to say no.

I don't know who else to tell, so I'll tell anonymous cyberspace .. I'm alone, and very lonely .. I'm ultra-sad, and depressed .. I wish I could die .. Half of me is too scared to kill myself, the other half feels guilty (cause how selfish is it to wish that, when everyone else will suffer) and part of me holds on to biblical-existential-debt about suicide .. I've tried everything I can think :: prayer, counseling, support lines, friends, etc .. I'm sorry I feel this way, I'm sorry I'm lonely, I'm really sorry .. But I guess at a certain point you look at things and are like -look, there's no hope that things will get better, and if you're sorry for everything, you'd be better off dead and gone ..- I've felt this way for months and nothing is making it better .. Oh well, at least I said it .. Goodnight cyberspace *8)

when i was little i let a man who was 20 at the time, touch me.i didnt like it and i feel like i have been by changed by it.

I married at 20 to a man who is older than me. I wish I didn't. Despite that I love him, I realized that I am young and want to experience things more freely. Ive never felt so bad for wanting things.